Its over.

Catching Up!

Reading my previous posts, i realize that everyday is a lesson. Unfortunately, we learn it once we're through and then a new day begins.
So here i am, yes! once again!!! after a long time! i know!
but who cares:)
Lots to tell!!!
The most important news is "saddy's going to be a mommy!!!" which means i am going to be a khala!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!
Sana's gotten engaged MashaAllah and i think her wedding's in March
Noreen is getting married end of March as well inshaAllah.
Shan MashaAllah got a scholarship and he'll inshaAllah be leaving for France for a PhD in Public Relations for five long years. (the five long years don't excite me though).
We got a new place in Islamabad, and my new home is really nice and spacious.

Will it ever be alright…completely and perfectly?
Will I ever be the person I want to be?
I’ll never be a good daughter because I cannot give my parents what they want from me. Why? Simply because my heart’s not into it.
And I can never be good enough? Why because logic holds me back.
Will this feeling of inadequacy ever go away?
I miss Islamabad. I miss my friends that I could call up every time I was down. Here! I can’t even cry properly. What do I do?
There has to be an option!!!

I suppose I should write!

Its 1st of May, four months of this year gone. Not so bad if you ask me, in fact not bad at all. Its after 9 p.m. I just had dinner, not the best Chinese rice I’ve had but I am used to the food now.

Tomorrow will be another day. I think I have gotten used to this life pretty well and lord knows I took my time. Its Shan’s farewell party tonight and to think it was four years ago I pushed the baby of our family to leave home and start studying in Karachi. To think, he’s all grown up and graduating now.

Three months from now inshaAllah, I’ll be graduating from the academy. I hope all my family can come to my passing out and yes! That means him as well. He’s said he will probably not be able to make it and even if he could, in what capacity can he come? :)

I have actually started playing a pretty decent game of tennis. I am actually a finalist in this term’s main event. The final I think is on Thursday. I played the semi-final yesterday and even though we won, I hurt my back during the game so no practice today.

I went shopping the other day for my dad’s birthday present. Bought a tie for him. Bhai tells me he got a couple of ties for him as well. And to think abu retires in four years inshaAllah. The last thing he probably wants now is another tie. But its easier to send from Lahore.

I miss home. I really do. It never ceases to amaze me, how my life has changed. I know it always changes, ever day, every minute. Maybe I’ve become more sensitive to changes. My friends have moved on to their lives, I have moved on with mine.

Change is inevitable!

We’re being taught the art of decision making, but its more like science. I think some of the best decisions I have made in my life were completely reckless but they worked for me alhumdulilah. Going to Lebanon to cover the war was one of them. But when I think about it, it didn’t employ these methods of making a decision tree, even swaps, preference analysis etc. I think Allah helped me and I did alright without these.

Sherin and I have developed an addiction for Supernatural. Jensen Ackles is soooooooooooooooo cute! We both think so ;)

I’m going to miss sherin. I know I have had great friends before but I have never actually lived with anyone. Never shared a living space with anyone like I have with sherin. I think she’s a great girl. I’m really going to miss her. I hope she finds a great guy with a moustache!

Its been two years. Yes! I haven’t stopped counting. I wish I could!

My parents desperately want me married now. And I have played the good girl. I met all the people they wanted me to meet, all the guys I’ll probably never see again nor do I want to. Have smiled and put my head down when all I wanted to do was get up and leave. I have had my hands inspected, the cut of my neckline examined. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was a sheep! And I am so tired now…so tired!

I found this picture that I love. It reminds me of a good day almost a year back when I was just me. Plain and simple. No agendas, no worries. I miss that day, I miss that beach, the wind, the water, and I miss saddy.

wanting it all...

This is an old blog...i was reading it today and smiling:)

wanting it all!

Romana was my classmate back in college. True to her name, she is the most romantic soul I have ever come across and she was the first person who made me think about what I wanted in a person. I still remember we were standing by the stairs during a break and she was telling me about her latest crush while I was rolling up my eyes and telling her to get real. (The crush by the way was Ibrar-ul-Haq). Anyhoo, she was surprised at my response and asked me very directly given my lack of interest in guys, if I ever wanted to get married. I told her of course I did. That’s part of our lives. She then asked me who my ideal was. No romantic story or icky digest novel…straight and frank. I had never thought about it before and I told her that. She asked me to tell her on impulse what would impress me. I thought about it for a minute and said I would want the person to be educated, religiously inclined, someone who preferred books over movies, listened to my kind of music, an athlete, preferably a boxer and played chess and tennis and could ride a horse as well, someone with a good career so that money would never be an issue but not ridiculously rich, someone who loved to travel and had a very good sense of humor, patient and able to calm me down. And if he were good looking with all that, it would be a certain plus. And after saying all this, I asked Romana to tell me honestly if such a man existed and if he really did by some miracle, wouldn’t he be crazy to marry me? And if there was someone that crazy, wouldn’t I be insane to marry someone crazy?

But I still want it all. I am still unwilling to settle for anything less. Still trying to be persistent in my pursuit, and still, despite everything I have been through in just this one year, I am not willing to settle for anything less. I still want my dream, all of it, I still want my fairytale. That and nothing else.

Thank you:) really :)

and it goes on...

I really should be working on my presentation. I really really should be!!

But really I can’t!

This morning I went for my Aerobics class as usual at 6:30 and I came back alright. But, after some five minutes of getting into bed (yes! Sleep my guilty pleasure. Sherin and I try to sleep as often as we can even if it’s for thirty minutes) my head started spinning. I have no idea what happened. I remember sherin trying to wake me up and getting worried. And I remember the earthquake (6.2 on Richter scale). I remember I saw the fan swaying and I thought I should get up and switch it off and then I blacked out again. I woke up at ten and got ready for class. It’s nothing to worry about though, just low blood pressure. But in order to compensate for the three hours I lost, I played tennis for an hour, jogged for thirty minutes on treadmill and played squash for another thirty minutes. And man! I feel exhilarated!!! I love squash!!!

Yes! Squash! The new love of my life!

So now I am back in my room. Sherin’s doing her work…her presentation is on Friday and she is already done. Mine is tomorrow and I have only just finished the PowerPoint. Still no idea what I’ll say tomorrow.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my room here? It took me a while to make it the way I wanted it to be. Our neighbor is a girl named Nafeesa who has the room all to herself. Sherin, just the other day was remarking how derelict Nafeesa’s room is, despite the furnishings. I’ve always believed that people make the ambience, not the furnishings or decorations. So despite the fact that the curtains are hideously brown…I love my room and I love Sherin for letting me keep it the way I like it.

The moon’s full tonight. So yes! I do wish I were somewhere else, walking…holding hands…a girl can dream :)

Back to work!

And it begins....

Since this is a new Blog…allow me to introduce myself.

My friends call me Betty, my family has a variety of names for me, all of which I PREFER not to list!

I used to be a lot of things, all of which I gave up to become the Batool that I am today. Some might say it wasn’t a bad decision…time, I am sure will reveal all in good time.

Islamabad is my home, Lahore is where I was born. Now that I have lived here for over five months, I know September must have been hot!

I have traveled some, I hope to travel more.

These days I am residing in civil services academy, CSA as we call it. My life is dominated by my endless assignments and tasteless presentations. I share a room with one of my colleagues from DMG, a wonderful girl Sherin. We have common interests such a as sleep, movies and Jensen Ross Ackles ( man! he's cute!)

I must mention a very important man in my life, one that has dominated every waking minute of my existence, and occasionally creeps into my sleep as well. It can’t be anyone else, other than the worthy Director General of CSA, Lt. General Shami.

I've so far completed two of the requisite four terms and my Third term has started. These days we're studying Public Policy as a subject which happens to be quite interesting. It derives it roots from various disciplines including Philosophy and Sociology.

CSA has become a home to me though I do miss my life back in Islamabad. I miss my family and my friends. I miss my walks with sana and lunches with Saddy and Nubla. I miss the soulful conversations with Saniya. I miss ami! I even miss my cat Taro and most of all I miss Shan!

I was in Islamabad for a week and it rained there. God! I miss the rains.

But i have had the opportunity to travel the length and breadth of Pakistan, all the way to Indian border in kashmir and Afghan Border in NWFP. During my military attachment, (yes! i was a captain the army for three weeks. yeeeeeeehaaaaa!) i rode on a tank, learnt to fire a G3A3 and cruised the arabian sea on a Naval battle ship. (how cool is that!).

And I am playing Tennis and Squash now!!!

so for those of you who have known me for a while...you will agree how drastically my life has changed...

and maybe the change doesn't stop here...i find the permanence of change most evident in myself...now more than ever!